On, February 21st, I was given my last shot of testosterone. I hadn’t planned for it to be my final dose; I was planning on staying on testosterone until at least mid-April. However, in late February, I began experiencing very intense bouts of anxiety, which were hindering my general ability to function as a person. Knowing that testosterone has led to experiences of increased anxiety in some people, I decided that it would be in my best interest to end my testosterone injections. When it was time for my next shot on March 7th, I couldn’t bear to think of putting anything in my body that could potentially make my anxiety worse.
I am still functioning in what feels like “surivival mode”. Each day is a battle with anxiety and depression, and my goal is just to maintain basic functioning (going to work, eating, sleeping) to the best of my ability and hope for my existence to feel like less of a struggle in each passing day. I do not believe that the anxiety and depression I’m experiencing are based on my issues with gender identity and gender presentation; I think they have more to do with my perception of myself and my life as a human being, beyond gender.
While I have enjoyed the changes that I was undergoing on testosterone and want the experience of physically transitioning (partially, at least) to continue, my gut is telling me that I should put such things on hiatus. I will not rule out the possibility of going back on testosterone some time in the future, but I do know that right at least for right now, it does not seem like a good decision to continue taking testosterone in the mental state I’m in.
Until I begin feeling better, I do not think I will be logging onto Tumblr or updating much. This is not a “goodbye” post, but more of a “see you later”. I hope you are all well.